Posted by: emjb | October 30, 2006

Devils and deep blue seas

October and November have tended to be chaotic months for us. Matt and I both tend to make job changes, or move, around this time of year. The cool air gets into our veins, makes us restless.

I have a job, a decent job working for decent people, but not a well-paying job. A job I’m overqualified for, but which is wonderfully close to my apartment. A job where I’m pretty much allowed to set my own agenda, and don’t work all that hard. But also a job where I’m bored.

Today I lied to my decent boss and went to interview for another job. A job that’s a 45 minute commute into Dallas through traffic. A job that’s going to involve overtime, and extra days on occasion. A job I may be a little underqualified for, technically, though I know I can do it.

But a job that pays nearly twice what I make now.

A job that would let Matt work part time and keep Nathan part time. But I wouldn’t see either one of them as much.

But it pays nearly twice as much. And we could use it. We could move to Dallas, cut down my commute, see our family a little less but have a little more freedom. Pay off old debts, get a bigger place.

I’m counting unhatched chickens here, of course. They may never offer it to me. But I think the interview went well. And I like the publishing they do, though I’m going to have to learn very fast to get up to speed. And even if they don’t come through, if I keep looking, it’s likely something else will, eventually.

I haven’t felt fast or even up to speed much since Nathan was born. I feel like I’ve been moving underwater a lot of the time. And there are days when I don’t know if I want to be the super efficient worker I used to be. And other days when I miss that self. Still other days when I want to chuck it all and go grow my own macrobiotic food and never see an office again.

I still want to be a midwife, but without the money to go to school, I can’t get from here to there. So should I turn away from it a while longer to pay us up, put us on better financial footing? It sounds good, and practical. It sounds wonderful to think of buying things when I want them, not when I absolutely can’t go one more day without them. Not that I want a lot of things, really. But little comforts, nicer clothes, good haircuts–stuff like that.

It’s never as easy as “follow your dream” vs. “selling out,” is it? What if your dream takes money? Or you have obligations? Debts and people you owe and things you need, like health insurance? It’s not selling out to not want to be a deadbeat. But not being a deadbeat can be awfully hard, too.

If I knew what the good and right choice was, I’d take it. I still can’t tell.

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