Posted by: emjb | April 25, 2006

The familiar abyss

I’m finishing up my assignment at the hospital, and facing joblessness once this week is over. I have had spasms of buyer’s remorse since I turned down their offer, but they were weak spasms. Of course, I have no prospects right now, it’s dead out there in resume land. Nobody wants me, everybody hates me, I’ll go out in the backyard and eat worms, etc. But my choice is made, so whatever. Moving on.

Living in the moment is overrated, I think at times like this. Yes, I can be grateful for what I have and that I’m alive, but thinking and planning for the future is not a bad thing. Sometimes you have to look past the moment. But I haven’t been able to do much of that for oh, about 8 years now, ever since Matt and I began this crazy marriage thing. It’s not his fault–every risk I took with my eyes wide open. He was my excuse for taking risks, in many ways. It’s just, sometimes, I wouldn’t mind a little less drama. I wouldn’t mind knowing where I was going to live 5 years from now, for instance.

But then, I wasn’t really raised with that; we moved every 3 years or so when I grew up, as my parents took advantage of the real estate boom to sell their houses and buy better ones. I got used to not putting down roots, to being very self-sufficient.

But it would be nice, if we could ever manage it, to be part of a community someday…to know who the councilmen are, what our neighbors’ names are. To not be transients anymore. Being a gypsy can get old, even if it does give you a broader perspective.

Looking at our life now, I don’t know how that will ever happen. I can’t see any paths that guarantee that result anytime soon. I live in the moment for now because that’s the only home I have.

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Responses

  1. Interesting. I’ve been wishing for a bit more gypsy in my own life. Grew up in Houston, lived in the same house birth through high school, then went to college in Austin and have been here ever since. We talk about getting an RV and touring the country doing freelance computer work of some sort, but the security of a house and a steady job is so seductive that I’m not sure if it will ever happen.


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