Posted by: emjb | March 26, 2006

The universe weighs in. Or not.

Avert your eyes, oh ye atheists.

So, about two days ago, I had had it with this situation. Despite my brave little post below (which I would like you to imagine me reading with “Battle Hymn of the Republic” playing softly in the background), I was Up To Here with our situation. I mean…unemployed and living with my mom at 34? Not my idea of Stunning Success. Also: poverty. Poverty sucks ass. Also, I’m feeling way too fat post-baby, but can afford neither more flattering clothes to cover the fatness, or a gym to burn it off. Also, I don’t even own a bed, or dishes, because we had no room to bring all that with us from New York. And I was watching too much TV because I had nothing else to do all day with a baby and no car. Cue anger and depression.

I do pray at such times, in full recognition that there may in fact be no one up there to hear it. Usually such prayers are simply “Help, please. Um, just a bit? Something? Hello?”

But a few days ago, I Prayed Angry, somewhere along the lines of “Dear Deity Who May Not Exist, I am sick of this shit. Get off your celestial ass if you want me to believe in you, because right now? Not happening. We need money, and we need it NOW.”

And then the next day, as I was working my one day temp assignment (which deserves its own post) I get a call from the temp agency. They have a 30 day temp to perm that pays half again what they’ve been paying Matt per hour, doing admin work. Meaning he could take the week off he needed to wrap up his album, then go into being the at-home parent without hurting us financially. Meaning no more Gilmore Girls reruns being the highlight of my useless days. Meaning…I have to keep being Not An Atheist.

I know, I know. Anecdote and coincidence do not constitute proof. And I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything. But I feel a little, I don’t know, honor-bound to have some sort of belief after this. Although it does paint kind of an interesting picture of Whatever Deity Exists—either they’re slightly deaf or prefer people willing to yell to get what they want. What the hell do I care, I’ve got a job, and I’m a little better off money wise, and someday, SOMEDAY, I’ll have my own place again, just like when I was 22!




  1. Preface: I should have averted my eyes.

    I promised God many times in my childhood that I’d believe in him forever and love him forever and do his will forever if he just X-Y-Z. (In my adolescence, I imagine X-Y-Z was “get laid”.) And do I feel guilty about not believing in God even though I made those promises? Nope. Not a bit.

    I’m confused, though. You got an offer for a temp job making more money than Matt’s making after working for several years as a senior editor in a New York publishing house, and you’re attributing that to the hand of God? Talk about shunning the spotlight. You earned that job. Take the credit.

  2. lol, the Angry Prayer has many times echoed off the walls of my house (although, i don’t do that when my kids are awake).

    i’m glad to hear that things are taking a turn for the better. you are right about poverty – it sucks BIG time.

  3. No no, I’m not saying I don’t DESERVE it. Just that, it’s funny that nothing happened until I got good and mad at the Deity Who May Not Really Exist.

    And hey, by your own accounts you DID get laid, Dean. Just not as fast as you wanted to.

  4. Reminds me of Jacob (Gen. 28:20-21):

    And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on, so that I come again to my father’s house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God.

    The point of which is not the existence/non-existence of a Deity, but just that this is an old theme…

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