Posted by: emjb | January 26, 2006

Bending and breaking

The last week has been wonderful and awful and hard. Wonderful to be back with Nathan and Matt all in one place. Awful because so much is uncertain still, and we are frankly, scared a lot of the time. Hard for the same reasons; it all depends on us getting our shit together and finding work and starting his business and raising Nathan in the midst of all of it. Quickly. And hard because no matter how gracious they are, it’s always hard to rely on the charity of family. I keep humming “God Bless the Child” from my Blood Sweat and Tears CD:

Rich relations may give you

A crust of bread and such

You can help yourself

But don’t take too much…

Not that my relations are either rich or stingy, but there is some truth to the feeling that you can only lean so hard on those that want to help you. Mostly because they have their own burdens to carry.

We’re at that stage where you wonder…am I in fact insane? Probably. In hindsight, would we have at least done things in a different order (move THEN baby)? Maybe. Maybe not. For one thing, it would have meant putting off having a kid until I could acquire a decent amount of vacation time at a new employer…so at least another year or year and a half. By which time, would I have been getting too old to start trying? Who could tell?

What it has always boiled down to for us is that we have never had a lot of good choices. We’ve had Dangerous but Satisfying (if it Works) vs. Safe but Soul Killing. A devil’s choice either way.

And now the pressure is higher on us than it’s ever been, and we’re considering how much to bend our plans without breaking ourselves. Which means, do we stay here in DFW and try to make that work again (I personally didn’t have a lot of success at that four years ago) or do we hitch up our trousers, metaphorically speaking, and keep trying for Austin? DFW has family going for it, and familiarity. A little bit more of a safety net. And less start up money involved. For me, quite a bit less of a satisfying job possibility. But maybe, having that bit of security for Nathan is worth it. Maybe we can move to Austin or wherever later.

Or maybe DFW is a sucking vortex that we will never escape. Don’t think that hasn’t crossed my mind also.

And even if we stay here for a while or (gulp) forever, that won’t solve our difficulties. Is it worth it? Is it the best we can do or a cop out?

I wish I knew.


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