Posted by: emjb | January 9, 2006

Bye bye baby, sleep well, don’t forget me

Matt and Nathan fly out tomorrow. Nathan is sleeping more and better…and eating a little less, since he’s up less. Swaddling at nightime really seems to help. We also noticed how often he fell asleep on his changing pad…so we just put it in his bed. (Because tempting as it seems at 4 am, it just wasn’t a good idea to let him sleep on top of 5-foot dresser). It’s curved and padded and holds him in place, which he really seems to like.

I will miss them both, but I have so much to do, and it will be good to know that they’re in such capable hands as those of my in-laws. I hope Nathan is ok away from me so long. I think he will be. I’m glad for once that he’s on formula, or he wouldn’t have this option.

I joined the ICAN (International Cesarean Action Network) email list, an excellent resource for unhappy c-sectioners and potential VBAC-ers. Reading it does sort of dampen one’s enthusiasm for trying this again, though. There’s a lot of women who have had a rough time getting a good birth out there. And a surprising number willing to try unassisted births to get them (no midwife) which, no. No no no that is not a viable option. I’m not going to put myself at that kind of risk. There are some really well-informed types who have stories of successful battles with their docs and hospitals over procedures, ones who armored themselves by memorizing their legal and patient rights chapter and verse from state law, who fearlessly signed AMA (against medical advice) forms to get their own way, who were prepared in a way that I find dizzying and impressive.

And sad. Who wants their birth to be a battle? You want to be taken care of, mothered, in labor; you don’t want to have to do anything but focus and concentrate on what your body’s doing. But nowadays it seems you have to divide your energies to prevent being run over. No wonder so few women are able to do it. And I really question whether I’ll ever want to fight in that way. I guess if I got pregnant accidentally, I would, but whether I would choose to put myself in that fight…I don’t know. Nathan would be perfectly fine as an only child, after all. He won’t suffer without a sibling. Especially if his mother will be better off mentally as a result.

I have a few years to decide before it’s too late to choose to get pregnant again. A lot could change. But then, we have so much other life stuff to focus on that I know the deadline will approach faster than I think it will.



  1. Ah, I read more and find you know about ICAN. GOOD!


  2. I’ve come back–a few hours later.

    My heart is just aching for you. You wrote:

    “Reading it does sort of dampen one’s enthusiasm for trying this again, though. There’s a lot of women who have had a rough time getting a good birth out there.”

    I wanted to just pop back and encourage you to take a day at a time, not to worry about next time until you are more healed. It’s got to be about you and Nathan and your hubby for now. Not about the future yet.

    When the time comes, if you choose to look at options there are many…even choosing to have a doula.

    Off to teach a class tonight, and wishing you a good, restful evening.

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