Posted by: emjb | October 31, 2005

Cranky is the proper word…irritable is the proper word too…

Today’s post title is taken from a startling Henry Winkler children’s video, Strong Kids Safe Kids. I haven’t seen it, but it made a deep impression on my husband and his siblings, who learned to sing the lyrics “Penis is the proper word, vagina is the proper word too-oo.” Which they are, so good for the Fonz in teaching kids what body parts are called. Even if that means those children will sing this song at all future family gatherings at the least opportune times.

Anyway, wee-wees and noonies aside, I am slowly losing my Zenlike demeanor as my due date approaches with no signs of anything particular happening in Uterus Land. Not that it can’t happen quickly, I am repeatedly assured. Or not that it can’t take another two weeks, I am also informed. So I should just relax and take it easy, although I should also be prepared to spring into action at any moment. Yes, I should be doing both of these things, and taking herbal supplements that may or may not be doing anything, or either taking or avoiding caffeine, and also exercising, but not too hard, and checking for fluid I may be leaking, but not obsessively so, though if it’s the wrong kind of fluid, my God, call the doctor right now! The sonogram tech also told me I should be “getting it on as much as possible” which, thanks lady I don’t even know, but none of your business, so shut up.

The fact of the matter is, we just don’t really have much of a fucking clue as to why women go into labor or don’t, or go early, or have to be induced because the baby might be in danger if he stays in too long. We have sonograms to see how big the baby is…which can be wildly inaccurate (and begs the question, why bother with them at all?).

We tell pregnant women to be calm and happy and think positive thoughts–but also to prepare for every possible horrible outcome that might KILL HER BABY AND POSSIBLY RUIN HER REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS AND LEAD TO DEATH. And then chuckle when she gets a little spazzy and cranky because her brain cannot do both of these things at the same time, never mind trying to live what’s left of the rest of her normal life in the meantime. Never mind that she cannot turn over in bed without a complicated six-point maneuver that makes parallel parking a ’79 Olds look like a walk in the park. Never mind that she can’t go more than 3.5 blocks without wanting to pee, even if she just did. Or that she can’t have a beer, when frankly, she has seldom felt the need for one so much in her entire life. Or that the baby’s apparent ongoing hatred of meat means that she is getting really sick of pasta for dinner.

So mostly I am still calm, and not nearly as snarly as I could be when people call to ask if I’ve had the baby yet, because there’s a chance, you know, that I might just forget and wait a week before telling people. If you know me, if I have your phone number, you will get a call. I promise. Matt’s got the phone and email lists all set to go. So stop asking. Call and talk to me about something else…a movie, your girlfriend, your stupid boss, whatever. Because my brain is pretty much set to K-BABY all the time, and I welcome distractions.

Sorry. See, I told you I was cranky. People are really so nice to me…I had one person I’ve met only at an online forum tell me she was sending me some knitted baby things. And that just blew me away. And my coworkers threw me such a nice baby shower on my last day, complete with a pair of Robeez which were The Cuteness and which I was too cheap to buy for the baby myself. But that I really wanted.

So tomorrow I start another week of limbo, working on a few projects, finishing up my thank you notes, maybe puttering around on some other stuff. Practicing the Zen art of constant vigilance plus complete relaxation.

I’ll let you know how that goes.



  1. I went ahead and had the beer. Just sayin’.

    Good luck maintaining your sanity. It’s the draggiest, ain’t it?

  2. Hee. I was thinking of giving in…but all we have is Red Stripe right now….

  3. Have you seen the new Red Stripe commercials? Maybe they will make one that says, “Hooray Beer! Hooray Baby!”.

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