Posted by: emjb | April 11, 2005

Important updates: a handy list

WEATHER UPDATE
Spring is here! It’s warm and shirt-sleevey…no wait, it’s chilly, get your scarf…no wait, it’s too warm in the sun…no wait, it’s pouring rain. Spring, we are all your bitches, and you are cruel. Still, we cannot break away from your abusive love.

HASIDIC NEIGHBORHOOD UPDATE
Trees: blooming giant purple flowers. They look like magnolias, but purple.

Birds: LOUD and chirpy. Sparrows normally go “cheep.” Now they go “CHEEP, DAMMIT, COME HERE AND LET’S GET IT ON.” Lots of bird orgies on the sidewalk, the shameless little bastards.

Squirrels: fat, and getting fatter, because they’ve figured out how to break open our bird feeder.

Children: on bicycles, every damn one of them, the boys’ side curls flying in the breeze, the girls pedaling hard even in their long skirts. They circle you on the sidewalk like a miniature Jewish gang whose territory you’ve intruded on. You have to look them in the eye to let them know you’ll take a stick and spoke their Huffy wheels if they don’t back it up. Packs of children can smell weakness. You must never show fear around them.

Adults: still wearing their long coats, and in a warm and crowded subway car, you find out that does not include deodorant. Maybe it’s not considered kosher? If so, long summer ahead.

TODAY’S BUMPER STICKER WORDS OF WISDOM
On the back of a maintenance van: “Elevator repairmen always get it up!”

UNPLEASANT PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS UPDATE
I still can’t eat chocolate. And my toenails grow too fast.

FIRST RECOGNITION OF PREGNANCY BY A STRANGER
I’m not showing yet, just fat-looking. But today I got offered a seat! Ladies of New York, take note: if you read a book called “Baby Bargains” on a crowded train, people will assume you’re pregnant and give you their seat. Score!

That’s it for now. I am writing a book on barrel racing that’s taking up most of my time, and I would like to report that although it has been many years since I was a horse-obsessed little girl, I still know a piebald from a skewbald, and a poll from a fetlock.

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